6 Thoughtless Ways People Wreck Effective Communication

There are 3 unconscious habits that block effective communication: Making moralistic judgements, Making Comparisons and Denying Personal Responsibility. In a previous article I gave examples of how these create Communication Frustration for everyone involved. In this article you'll see other shapes those habits can take with those you love and work with.

1. Giving Analyses: Whenever we think we know why something was said or done based on our opinions we are analyzing. Here's what my wife and I experienced. Whenever Kay would single she wanted affection that I wasn't giving her I'd call her "needy and dependent". Whenever I wanted affection Kay wasn't giving I'd call her "selfish and insensitive". As we studied compassionate communication we both realized our analyses were actually expressions of what we both wanted and needed.

2. Confusing Morals and Values: Value judgements determine the qualities we value in life; for example we might value honesty, freedom, peace, or learning . These always reflect our beliefs of how life can best be served. Moralistic judgements are against people and behaviors that don't support our value judgements, e.g. "Violence is bad, People who kill others are evil". Learning to go from "Violence is bad" to "I'm fearful of the use of violence to solve conflicts; I value the resolution of human conflicts through other means" was tough for Kay and I. Because, for us, the confusion over morals and values was most predominant at church where we were active members.

3. Manipulation: Is when we are trying to make others unwillingly do what we want. Manipulation never works because counterproductive emotions like fear or anger are not expressed verbally but in how the person performs what is being demanded, if they perform at all. Things Kay and I discovered: Kay telling me how her best friend's hubby is such a handy man never made me cut the grass when or how she wanted. Me telling my son Mitchell, with dyslexia, how his older gifted brother JD taught himself to read never got Mitchell to read faster. Even if you have good intentions (like we thought we did) manipulations are guaranteed to wound yourself and others deeply.

4. Philosophy and Politics: Your view of the world around is your philosophy. How you live it is your Politics. Kay and I learned our Philosophy and Politics were creating unintentional conflicts and costing us missed friendships and opportunities to be curious about new ideas. When most people are in conflicts over Philosophy or Politics it's because they are often attempting to compare the importance of their moral judgments by calling them facts.

5. Blaming Actions on Others: When we blame other's actions as the cause of our behavior we are shifting personal responsibility. What Kay and I discovered: Me yelling at the boys because they were silly at the table makes them responsible for my yelling. Me going golfing with my neighbor when I promised to shoot baskets with the kids makes my neighbor personally responsible for my commitments. Maybe you've encountered these as well: "He was jerk so I charged him more", "My job makes me miserable, but I stay because my family depends on me.", "I can't leave early because my boss will kill me". "I made her cry because she pushes my buttons". When we are not conscious of our responsibility for how we behave, think, and feel we are dangerous.

6. Hiding Behind Policies and Rules: This is when we blame policies, procedures, and management for our actions. For example, "I'm sorry, It's school policy", "You'll have to talk to my boss", "Our records show", "I don't want to get into trouble", "We don't make exceptions", "Management says", "It's always be done that way". Whenever we shift personal responsibility to policies, rules, and management we are deceiving ourselves into thinking our behavior is valid.

Check in with yourself and have compassion with what you find. You aren't broken, don't need fixing, and nothing is wrong with you. Focus your attention on looking for where the habits are showing up and creating Communication Frustration at home and work. Just practice observing. Share this article with your spouse or friends and ask them if they notice these habits showing up in your conversations with them.

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